Watch Me Fall Apart

Only love, only love
Give me shelter, or show me heart,
Come on love, come on love,
Watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart,
And I'll be yours to keep.
                                                    -Ben Howard, Only Love

I think this is a quintessential part of love; the ability to fall apart in the presence of someone else. To have your heart become totally bare and vulnerable in front of somebody. And it's a really hard thing to do. We as people long to uncover ourselves, and be authentic with each other, but after being burned by others who let us down or used our vulnerabilities for their gains it's not something that is easy to repeat. Just as it's human to long to be vulnerable with one another, to show our "true" selves, it is just as human to try and protect ourselves once we've been hurt before.

I find that gets in the way of my relationships. I have difficulty in cultivating deep friendships sometimes because I feel that once a friendship starts getting beyond just having fun and into the stages where we can discuss feelings, questions, and ponderings (the meaning of life, why we love, deep stuff like that :P ), I feel entitled to share some of the things that have hurt me. And in sharing these things I will probably fall apart. I'm suddenly becoming vulnerable to you because you now know the things that have come back to make me cry when I'm alone, the things that have haunted me in my sleep, the things that in moving past them I've had to admit that I am not strong. But in exposing myself myself there is something beautiful. It is true that I am not strong but it also becomes apparent that there is someone else who has been strong for me. Jesus' love over my life is fully exposed when I become vulnerable. Because what C.S. Lewis said was true, "to love is to be vulnerable".

So in letting someone else love me and in being able to reciprocate that love, vulnerability is required. And it's great, having that mutual understanding, that knowledge of the depth of a person in your friendships, romantic relationships, whatever your numerous relationships in life may look like. But it also hurts. That's the sadistic part of love I guess. Because love not only exposes your vulnerabilities it adds my vulnerabilities to your pile as well, allowing us to become hurt much more easily. But here's the thing, if we go through life loving others as authentically as possible, when we do get hurt, when others hurt us, when life sucks, when the people love hurt us, we will have someone to come alongside us and comfort us. Someone who knows our vulnerabilities and does not view them as weaknesses but simply as the wear and tear of loving authentically in an imperfect world.

In a community where we can learn to love like that we find beauty and that's part of the point of love I think.